Living Lesbo

I hate Spencer Pratt!!

2009-06-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

I am sitting here watching the new reality TV show, "I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here." I had to have a few laughs as the show is starting. Right off you wonder who is going to crack and who is going to do really well. You don't think about what the camp dynamics is going to be. Well, I should have. Not even half way through the show you get to know a certain young man a little better.

Spencer Pratt. I am not sure if you are familiar with him. He is on a "reality" show on MTV. I say "reality" because I'm not sure how much of it is real and how much of it is scripted. He thinks that being on this show and marring his co-star makes him a superstar! I have never seen an episode The Hills. To be honest after watching him on this show I will never watch an episode.

Between his begging to leave, picking on other contestants, (mostly the women) and talking about how just being around these people was losing him fame, we get told he is a new Christian! What?? Are you serious? This is what them godly folks who protest my marriage are recruiting these days?? Heaven help us!

I am not sure about his wife. Are they even really married? Last tabloid I saw said something about it being a stunt for the show. Who knows.

I think it is so sad that this kid, who has some mild level of fame thinks he is entitled to a certain type of life. And that his self worth is somehow higher than stars who have paid "their dues" for years. Some starting before he was even born. Where is the day when stars were humble and thankful for their position? Uuuggghhh!!

Apparently this show will be on four nights a week. You can guess what my blogs are going to be about for a while if this keeps up. And if you read on some paper that a lesbian mom from Michigan sought out Spencer Pratt and bent him over her knee and spanked his spoiled butt...well...you know what I'm up to!

Stalker-ish..?!!

2009-05-25T09:05:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you had a stalker? You go somewhere just to run into them there. You are sitting on line working on a great blog( or not so great as the case may be) and they IM you to see where you are going that day. I'm beginning to think I have a stalker!

It started witha Twitter post. "Going to the store for eggs." Pretty simple right? There are three major grocery stores in our little town. There are two drug stores, a couple of gas stations, and little markets that sale eggs as well. Who knows where I was going to go. I walk in, and there the stalker is. Right there, in broad day light, lurking in the produce of my store! Maybe I'm just jumpy.

I then post to twitter, "going for a bike ride." I head to the trails. I don't know about most people but when I ride my bike it's a lot like using the restroom. I want it quiet so I can think and work on getting out whatever I am trying to work through. (What an awful comparison! LOL) I don't like to chat while I ride. But, who should happen to be there? Stalker! And wouldn't you know they want to talk the entire 4 miles I have left on my ride!

Maybe this person has a crush. Maybe they are just in need of a friend. I'm trying to be nice but it is starting to creep me out a little. I have decided to do something about it. I'm going to start posting random locations I may or may not be at. Maybe they will get tired of going all over town for nothing. Better yet, I am going to say I am taking a job at the local sex shop.

So, if you see some strange post on my twitter about going to Mexico to start my own donkey show, pay it no attention. Just trying to duck and weave!

Welcome Back!

2009-05-24T23:51:00.002-05:00

Oh, wait, I was the one gone. Well, I'm back. That's not right either. I wasn't ever gone, just not writing. Now that we have that settled.

If you have followed my blog you know I moved from a big city to a tiny one. And this tiny city is not as forward thinking as the big city I left behind. So there are some good times to be had when my girlfriend and I head out on the "town".

I have learned, though, that there is more than meets the eye. I have actually found other "family". Some of them are a little different. There seem to be a number of weekend lesbians. The one's who are married Monday through Friday but around the camp fire on the weekend they have a girlfriend. It can get confusing. And then the girl who gropes all the women she meets but swears she is straight. I'm not sure if she confused or just really friendly.

I shouldn't be giving them labels. I know I don't like them. But, they don't really fit in the nice little boxes. Not that any of us do 100%. I'm just happy to know that I'm not the only one the locals will burn at the stake if they find out my girlfriend really is a girl! LOL

Things that are harder to do after 30!

2008-09-09T20:29:00.005-05:00

I love my girl. lol Now why does everytime I say that people know I am about to tell a story that she is probably going to kill me for? Not so much this time. She didn't do anything really embarrassing. However, watching her and her friend toss the football with the kids, was some fo the funniest stuff I have seen in a while. (You know, since Saturday when I saw the peacock at the farmers market!)

Our friend's (yes we have one) son had a soccer game early in the morning. So we get up early and head out to watch him play. I snap some pictures and have a good time. We head back to their house and decide to hang out for a while. I had been eyeing the trampoline in the back yard. I decide to go jump. Do you know how many muscles in your legs are worked out when you jump on a trampoline?? Too effing many is how many! Do you know what it looks like when a top heavy woman jumps on a trampoline? Like two puppies fighting under a shirt trying to smother a person! It wasn't pretty. Thankfully my friends kid came out to jump with me. He made it look so easy!

After giving up on jumping on the trampoline I decided to go take pictures of the girls throwing around the pig skin (that's a football for all you really fem girls!)in the front yard. I would hate to say it...but they kind play like grils. I can feel safe in saying this as they don't check my blog as often as they should. (This will teach them!)

First off...our friend who I will call Princess is amazing. She is funny and outgoing and full of energy. She loves to be on the go and make people laugh. So anytime with her is a good time. I love her and all...but the girl can't throw a football. She sticks her one arm out like she is having a seizure while she throws...and well...she can't catch that well either.

At one point the game was really getting fun. The boys were outplaying the grown women but it was still a good time. Then it happened. The little one decided to duck and weave just when the women are heading towards him. What follows is the greatest act of gravity I have ever seen. My girls foot gets tangled with Princess' feet. My girls starts down with Princess right on her tail! The next thing you know they are piled on the ground!! I have decided this should be part of our weekend routine from now on!!

Ya'all come back now, ya hear!

2008-09-09T18:59:00.003-05:00

I am such a city girl. I love things city! I love going to star bucks on Saturday morning. I love stopping in the mall once every two weeks to have my nails done. I love tanning on my way home from the gym. I love getting in my car and in a few minutes being at the local gay bar. I love the city!

I now live 30 minutes from the city. I live over an hour from the nearest lesbian bar. I am 25 minutes away from the nearest star bucks. I have no clue where I can go tanning or get my nails done. And there is not a gym open past nine anywhere in this town.

I have had to find new things to do in order to entertain myself. My lovely girl and I go on five mile bike rides many evenings out of the week. We go kayaking and enjoy the lake. We go on long walks and play touch football with some of her old friends.

On Saturday mornings I brew my own coffee. I put it in my tall travel coffee mug and head two blocks south to the fair grounds. There, every Saturday morning, is the farmers market. As I have mentioned before I have been to these before. I have also been to ones in the country too. However, none are like this. I have told you some of the things I have seen so far but this past weekend took the cake! (You could get cake too!)

As we are walking in I see a woman holding a piglet. A BABY PIG PEOPLE! She asked if I wanted to buy it. What on earth am I going to do with a pig? I smile and say no thank you. Her son then tries to sell me this scary looking white rabbit with bright red eyes. No thank you!

We walk a bit farther and there is this couple carrying there many different types of chickens they just bought. Live clucking chickens in cages….being carried away like you had just bought milk at the corner grocery store.

The Amish were there. There were selling fresh produce from their gardens, baked goods, puppies and kittens. Did you know the Amish were in the business of breeding dogs and cats. They had some cute shelties.

I manage to get past the adorable puppies without wanting to take one home to head to the bird barn. They have chickens, doves, turkey, ducks, geese, and peacocks! That’s right folks, peacocks! What would you need a peacock for?? I have only ever seen them at zoo’s. Usually wondering around nipping at kids fingers for French fries and pooping all over the place. Now, apparently, you can have one for your back yard too!

There is also an interesting type of people who go down there every week. The majority of the people there are nothing like me. Now, they aren’t all like this, I have seen a few yuppies from time to time…but they are so few…they actually stick out. Anyway, the regulars are very “deliverance”. If you haven’t seen the movie…go Google it and you will know what I mean. I get checked out by more men than I can count and think it is only because I have a mouth full of teeth. I also am pretty convinced there is a short supply of non family members to be found.

What is even more strange…..I don’t see this mass of people anywhere else. I go to Wal-Mart (we don’t have one it’s in the next town over) and I never see them. They don’t hang out at the ice cream spot, or at the coffee shop. They only seem to come out on Saturday mornings for the farmers market.

While I am walking the many isle’s of “stuff” I over hear the funniest story I believe I have ever heard. A man met his wife at this very farmer’s market. They knew right off they were destined to be together. They married just two weeks after they met. They were so happy they were planning to have kids right away. They came down to the market together and ran into the brides grandmother. Turns out….I am not making this up…..they were cousins. It was by marriage so inbreeding wasn’t an issue. Come on people!!

Did you see us on the olympics???

2008-08-22T22:11:00.001-05:00

In case you missed our coverage in China....

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My First Time

2008-08-17T12:40:00.003-05:00

So, this is my first blog from Michigan!! The move went well! I love Michigan. It is beautiful up here. My girl and I have been taking these four mile hikes to Baw Beese Lake so the dogs can swim. We have to walk about a half mile from the house to a trail that takes you to the lake. It's a really nice trail too so you bike ride it as well which we have done once. The dogs love swimming there so much though, we have been walking in order to take them. It's also just a beautiful lake! There are these amazing houses around the lake, parks, and a great golf course. it is one of my favorite places here so far.

On Saturday mornings we walk the three blocks down to the Hillsdale County Fairgrounds for the Farmers Market. I have been to farmers markets before. Lots of fresh produce from the local area. The farmers market here is much different though. They have the typical farmers market stuff but also a weekly auction of stuff and livestock. Chickens and rabbits can be found for sale in a barn. There were people giving away free puppies and kittens. (My girl wouldn't let me bring home this adorable kitten...boo on that.) I loved it! I love all the different things you can see. I am taking my camera next week to try and get some pictures to share with everyone. Oh, there is also a large Amish population here and they have fresh baked goods for sale! Yum!

My girl grew up in this town (in this exact house actually) and knows quite a few people here. Her best friend is one of the coolest people I have met in a long time. Our second day here she got us out on the lake tubing followed by a BBQ! That's my kind of welcome. Yesterday we took the Jet Ski's out again which was a blast. We enjoyed some drinks on the deck overlooking the lake while sharing old funny stories. As we are talking we notice just how bright that full moon was and decided to take the kayaks out. It was amazing! The water was like glass and it was so peaceful. We paddled around for a while and then sat in the middle of the lake just talking and enjoying the moment.

I have to say all of this has really been good for my soul. It feels so much like the small town world I grew up in yet so different. Don't get me wrong, I miss all the big city things I got so use to but I am really enjoying my new environment!

Michigander....

2008-08-04T22:32:00.004-05:00

We are loading up the truck right now!! Well obviosly not "we" as I am sitting here typing this, but the truck is getting loaded right now! Once the truck is loaded we will be on the road from Kansas City to a small city close to Lansing, Michigan!!

I have never been that far north and am very excited about it. I will be taking pics of our lovely drive there and posting them for you all to see!! That is if my girl doesn't kill me for needing to stop 100 times to tinkle because I have the toddler bladder.

I really am excited. I am sure I will be offline for a couple of days till we get things turned on up there but will post as soon as I can.

Be good to each other.....see ya soon!!

Ambiem made me do it!!

2008-08-03T21:32:00.005-05:00

Have you ever layed awake at night trying to get your brain to shut off. You keep thinking of the many things that may have you stressed out and can't sleep. This is how many of my nights go. I usually wind up blogging or catching up on other people's blogs.

I was once given a drug called Ambien to help me sleep. It had just come out and everyone was saying how great it was. No groggy feeling, 8 hours of sleep. Perfect!! When they give it to you they tell you to not take it until you are laying in bed. I kind of laugh, as it usually takes about an hour for medicine to kick into my system.

I go home. I take my shower and take the ambien. I got to bed and sleep well. I used it for a while and then my sleep patern improved so stopped.

Fast forward to this week.

I am stressed out and very worn down. I wasn't getting any sleep at all. So, I break out the ambien. I do my typical night routine and then head to the couch to settle in for the night. I then wake up in bed and it is the next morning. What?? How did I get to the bed from the couch?

I don't think a lot more about it until my girl wakes up. She rolls over and looks at me. I smile and tell her good morning. She says nothing. She glares at me and gets out of bed. Wow, someone got up on the wrong side of bed. She doesn't talk to me for a long time after she gets up.

I finally ask her why she is mad at me. She tells me I came downstairs and sat on the couch next to her. She was eating some cheeries and I asked for a few. She jokingly tells me she has one for me behind her ear. (She likes little kisses behind her ear.) She says the next thing she knew I was biting hard into her ear lobe. She coudn't get me to stop. I was locked on like a snapping turtle. She finally prys me off her ear and then I decide I want to go for a walk. At two in the morning in my pajamas. She tries to talk me out of it but I want to go. I then fall down the stairs. She tells me to get in bed and I once again try and go for a walk. I guess after an hour of fighting me I finally settle in the bedroom and get online. I appearantly emailed everyone on my friends list about how mean my girl is being for not letting me take a walk.

I remember NONE of this. I remeber taking medicine and then heading to the couch, then waking up in bed. I have been banned from ever taking it again. I was shocked I had such a weird reaction to it, so I googled it. This is what I found:

If you suffer from insomnia, and millions of people do, then the prescription drug Zolpidem, commonly called Ambien, might just give you the relief you need. A lot of people are already taking the drug. According to the latest survey, more than 23 million prescriptions for Ambien were written last year, and the number is growing.
It's the most popular drug for the treatment of insomnia, but it can have some strange side effects, especially if you don't take it properly,.

Drugs.com lists the following possible side effects:

allergic reaction including difficulty breathing
hallucinations
abnormal behavior
severe confusion
Other less serious side effects include headache, nausea, depression, muscle pain, vivid dreams, temporary amnesia, and others.

Drugs.com also mentions rebound insomnia. This sometimes occurs when you stop taking a sleep medication, and usually subsides in a night or two.

KEYC television reporter Amy Stone spoke with Keith Matos who is taking Ambien for insomnia. The instructions for the medication include the admonition to take the medication and immediately go to bed.

Matos decided to stay up and make a few phone calls. Later he couldn't remember making the calls, found out he'd said things that made no sense, and had done things around the house that he didn't recall doing. This is known as temporary amnesia.

What the hell?? How on earth can a drug like this still be on the market?? I found other forums on the drug as well and one woman even had sex with her neighbor while asleep!

You know some poor insomniac is going to kill their spouse and their defense will be, "Ambien made me do it!"

Diets Suck!!

2008-08-02T16:05:00.004-05:00

I am on a diet.

That sentence stands alone, all by itself, for the pain it inflicts on me. I hate to diet. I hate to exercise when it's a hundred degrees outside. I also hate being fat. So something has to change.

First I am cursed with more boob than one person could ever need or want. When you gain weight it seems to make them even bigger. Big boobs alone make it hard to fit in those rides where the harness comes down over your head to keep you from flying out. It's not a pretty sight when I have to squeeze and mash them in there. And after the ride, as you pull back up to the station, you look like you have three boobs because part of them have squeezed out the sides but some was trying to escape in the middle. Beautiful right?

Eating in public when you are overweight is miserable. I love to dip my french fries in my frosty at Wendy's. LOVE IT! However, if you are a chunky butt like me and do this..people watch. As if they are the cops of what goes in my trap. What's great is they are usually sitting there eating a double cheeseburger themselves.

Water parks. I hate swimsuits in any fashion. Keeping your boobs in suit is a hard enough if they are of normal size. I cannot count the number of times I have flown down a slide just to realize my top bailed out on me half way down the slope. What's worse is I don't usually notice until my top floats by me and everyone is laughing.

So, I am on a diet. I have cut back on how much I eat and what I eat. I try and get a bike ride in a day and a walk. It's hot right now so have been doing it at night after the sun goes down but still getting it in. I also have been swimming as often as possible. Remember not a fan of the swimsuit so not as eager to do that one.

I have one serious weakness though. Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I love them. I don't get them very often. Usually if they are fresh at Wal-Mart. We don't go there very often so I am pretty safe. However the second I decided to go on this diet.....they are everywhere!! Did someone call ahead..."Alert Alert, Wendy is on her way in the store...place out all the doughnuts!" It's probably right after the announcement to put out the cart with the broken wheel and to get all the old people set up in my way.

I also wonder why you can't look a bit more flattering while working out. When I am riding my bike I am sure many think of an elephant on a tricycle. (Only I don't have a little bell) You would think there would be a way to look better as you work out so you weren't so scared to be seen doing it. Going to the gym is worse. Working out next to barbie and ken isn't helping me much. In fact last week I was sure I would start chewing on her leg if I thought there was any meat there.

So, hopefully by next summer(I know this summer isn't over yet, I have to be realistic here) I will be happy to get in a swimsuit. If not, invest in Krispy Kreme as they will still be making money off of me!

But, I was a cheerleader!!

2008-07-29T05:44:00.004-05:00

“But, I was a cheerleader!” I shouted behind me as I take off running preparing to do a round-off. I should mention I haven’t done one of these since I was in college.

I will forever be 21. I don’t care how many birthdays come and go, this isn’t going to change. I look in the mirror and don’t understand why the Wendy looking back at me looks like she will be 30 while the Wendy looking in the mirror is clearly 21. How can this be. I will buy a new mirror!

I can still do everything I did when I was 21. In my head, I can still do everything I did when I was 21. Just the other day I realized that it is “all of a sudden” taking me longer to walk the hill that is half the size of the hill I use to have to climb to get to school. “The hill must be as big or bigger but looks smaller now that I am all grown up!” I don’t acknowledge that I haven’t grown an inch since the sixth grade.

So I am off running across the yard to this amazing feat of cheerleader greatness! I am going to show my girls just how cool their mother still is.

“Crack!” What was that?? “Snap” What the hell?

In that moment, my arms went in the air. I was too far in the act of pulling off the amazing acrobatic gesture that I couldn’t stop. My knees kind of wobbled and banged together as they bent to propel me into space! And wham!! The ground.

I have no idea what happened. One minute I was bragging about my mad skills and the next fearing months of traction for the injuries I was sure to have just endured.

I am still 21. I can still do all the things I did when I was 21. My body just doesn’t believe me!

Potty Mouth!!

2008-07-26T07:06:00.002-05:00

It is 6:45am. I haven’t been to bed yet. I can hear the coffee pot going behind me. A really great movie is running on cable. I am not a huge fan of movies on cable but it will do. I am trying to keep up on my blogs. I have been reading and commenting on my favorites. It’s not packing….that’s what I should be doing is packing. But, this stuff will still be here to pack when I am done. LOL

Totally off subject…. Have you seen the commercials for True North nuts? Oh lord…well at the end of the commercial it says something about a simply great nut snack. I never hear that. I never hear nut snack. You know what I hear so I don’t have to type it. I will be in another room and can’t see the television..but I can hear that commercial come on. When I do I laugh because I know they are going to say the tag line and I am going to hear it wrong. My brain refuses to hear it correctly.

Have you ever wondered if you have Turrets syndrome? First off if you suffer from this I am not making fun of this at all. I have read many things on this topic and cannot imagine how your day to day must be. Now….I sometimes sit…and out of no where….a curse word comes sailing through my brain. Or the entire nut snack commercial thing. And if I am telling a funny story to friends who are adults….I have to put in as many curse words as possible. Who does that? And I am bored with the same old curse words. I like my own…and I like to strew them all together. Like….”Jesus, plowing Mary on a coffee table while Lazarus drops his thumb on her!” Yeah….I have no idea where it comes from but it flies out and it taste good in my mouth. “Moses in a basket in a Nile in Egypt. “

Who made up curse words? I mean, who was sitting around and hit their thumb and said…”F*(K” I would never have come up with that word. I would have been more like “Blehamm!” So, where did they come from? I am going to have to Google the creator of my favorite curse words. We shall see what we come up with.

Coffee’s ready!!

Shhhhh.....I stole it!!

2008-07-25T22:02:00.001-05:00

I stole these 50 questions from Spacey Stacey. She stole them from someone named blue. Lesbians are a stealing bunch let me tell you!! :)

1) What do you add to your coffee? creamer and sugar
2) What are you reading now? blogs
3) Do you own a gun? No. I have little people in my home….wouldn’t feel safe
4) Are you registered to vote? yes
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? sometimes
6) What do you think of hot dogs? Only good with pork and beans or as a corn dog!!
7) Favorite Christmas Song? I have a few…I love Christmas songs
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee. i'm not human without it.(amen sista!!)
9) Can you do push ups? Yes, but refrain from doing them as it might make me healthy
10) What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? bf: Clayson (total geek), gf: The Chavez
11) What’s your favorite piece of jewellery? My engagement ring
12) Favorite hobby? hot lesbian sex (stole answer from spacey Stacey who stole that answer from blue, but hey, we have the same hobby, how cool is that?)
13) Do you work with people who idolize you? absolutely ;-)
14) Do you have ADD? Look….something shiny!!!
15) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I love all things ME! lol
16) What’s your Middle name? Lea
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. We should hire a moving company. I really should be packing. Why is my woman giggling upstairs?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. nothing
19) Name 3 beverages you regularly. Iced tea mostly
20) Current worry right now? money, money and moving
21) What side do you dress to? Ummm I thought you had to have male parts for that and I am fresh out of those sorry
22) Favorite place to be? in the wife's arms. (and if she's naked, even better)
23) How did you bring in the New Year? at home with the wife
24) Where would you like to go? Hawaii
25) Name three people who will complete this. I dunno
26) Whose answers do you want to read the most? everyone's
27) What color shirt are you wearing? White
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No…I sleep in satin PJ’s and if you run and jump on satin sheets while wearing satin Pj’s you will hit the wall and it will hurt!!
29) Can you whistle? yup
30) Favorite colors(s)? pink
31) Could you be a pirate? I am done searching for bootie
32) What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever is stuck in my head…right now..I kissed a girl just to try it…taste of her cherry chapstick!
33) Favorite girls name? don't have one
34) Favorite boy’s name? don't have one
35) What’s in your pocket right now? nothing
36) Last thing that made you laugh? My adorable yorkie
37) Best bed sheets as a child? Rainbow brite suckers!! You know you’re jealous
38) Worst injury you’ve ever had? Had a few bad ones…I am a clutz
39) Do you love where you live? In the middle of moving.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house? 4 right now
41) Who is your loudest friend? Christy
42) How many dogs do you have? 2
43) Does anyone have a crush on you? doubt it
44) What are the most fun things you ever did? plenty. and plenty i can't tell you either
45) What are your favorite books? Anything with Dean Koontz
46) What is your favorite candy? chocolate
47) Favorite Team? MSU by marriage….Auburn by blood!!
48) What songs do you want played at your funeral? I kissed a girl and I liked it…lol..oh wait that was some other question
49) What were you doing at 12 AM? Chatting with my woman online who was just upstairs…..we are that couple
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? oh god, what time is it?

"So, who's the daddy?"

2008-07-20T14:55:00.006-05:00

My youngest is an adorable little girl. Well, all three of my kids are adorable, but that little one is funny. There will never be an end to the funny stories I can share thanks to this one.

We are at the pool the other day having a good time. My girl and I are working on our tans and the kids are swimming with friends. We get in quite a bit to join in the fun playing sharks and minnows or dunking...whatever the game is at the time.

No matter where we go, it is often asked who is the mom. They are usually asking who is the biological mother. I of course let them know that is me. I then point out they look more like their dad. Here is where it usually gets weird.

We live in this world of politcal correctness. I am not complaining, just helping to explain. Everyone is so careful about what they ask and how they ask it. It would seem a lot of straight people have no clue how gay relationships work (as if they are night and day different from straight relationships) and want to ask questions. They are not sure they can ask questions though! Unless they are 8. At the age of 8 you are free to ask any question you want and it's ok. You're a kid and you don't understand and you want to know. Your mother might want the earth to open up and swallow her at that moment but you can still ask! This is what happened.

We are swimming with the kids and their little friends. One of the girls asks my youngest who is the mommy. My daughter points out that I am the mommy. She then goes on to say that my girl is her step mommy and she has another step mommy and a daddy. Her friend is very confused at this point and her mother who is right behind her is starting to pray in her head. "Lord, please do not let her ask...don't...please!" Too late. The little friend looks at my girl and asks...are you the daddy? I give a little laugh as my girl gets nervous on how to explain. I decide to save her.

"Her dad lives with his new gf." "This is my gf." The little girl does not understand. She then wants to know where my bf is. I explain I don't date boys I date girls. The mother is listening very closely and decides that since we are so open she can get her lesbian education.

I get to sit for the next 45 minutes in the shallow end of the pool explaining how lesbian relationships work. How we do things like other couples, have the same stress, and so on. The woman was just in awe.

Do people really think we are that different? She tells me she was sure we all had orgies and jumped from one partner to the next and other such things. I laughed. I explained that we weren't the local frat and it's sad that the world has given her view like this.

A little while later she comes back and wants to talk more. At the end of the conversation she says....it must be awful having a relationship without sex. What?? I asked what made her think we didn't have sex and she stammers to explain that you can't without "the male member". I about die. I am laughing so hard I can't breathe! My girl now wants the world to swallow her up!

I got to educate a middle aged, hoity toity yuppie house wife about oral sex, and the art of girl on girl love making. What is even more amazing than that...she didn't blush once...in fact...had we not been in a pool I am sure she would have been taking notes!

I think I am going to start a new business...I am going to go from yuppieville to yuppieville and educate those poor housewives on the ways of the world. Saving all of those other helpless lesbians in the neighborhood pools from having to explain, "Which one's the mommmy and which one's the daddy?"

Is the internet addictive.....

2008-07-19T01:41:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here watching the reunion of celebrity rehab. I have to say....if I ever start doing a drug...you fool's won't be tricking me into an intervention. I have seen that show...I don't want to be in a room where all you see is "a bunch of people who love me". Anyway, back on point, I am listening to how they define addiction...and it struck me. I think I have an addiction. I have to check my email at least twice a day. I love looking at the gossip rags to see what celeb is doing what. I have to see what is going on with my facebook and myspace pages. I have to send a comment back to anyone who posts one for me. (This can be very hard work on myspace around a holiday if you have a lot of friends....and I'm kick ass cool..so I do.)

I have gone without. It wasn't pretty. We were switching from satellite to cable and the Internet changed as well. I couldn't get online. Apparently we lived in the only spot in the effing world with no wifi signal. I was nuts. I constantly felt like I was missing something. Someone was waiting on a reply and I didn't even know.... or .... someone had let me a cute pic of a kitten with from ears and I hadn't sent something clever back. Say it ain't so!!

I am not sure I could ever give up this addiction. One....it would be so hard on all of you...I mean what would life be like without my horrible grammar and typos. I have some funny stories that you all love to read because it makes your life look normal. I know this and I gladly sacrifice myself for all of you.

Didn't she die a while back??

2008-07-19T01:27:00.002-05:00

I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I have posted a blog. That is just crazy!! I’m back!! I always wonder how much other people want to know about my day to day life. I am kind of known for my silly stories here and not a running commentary on what is going on in my life. So…. If you are one of those readers who just wants to read another funny story you probably can skip the rest of this one. I am going to give an update. We (my lady and I) are officially engaged!! Ring and all! I don’t take it off and wave it under anyone’s nose. My produce guy at the grocery store is really quite sick of it! We are also moving. I will no longer be blogging from Kansas City. We are moving to Michigan. M-I-C-H-I-G-A-N!! I love warm weather. I adore warm weather. I cannot stand snow, ice, and cold weather. So this move is a huge change for me. I am excited as it’s back where my girl is from. She will be able to show me so many things from her childhood. But I am not looking forward to the winters! I am sure there will be some blogs when I am hiding out from the cold.

I was running my own photography business and writing. I have decided that more income could be a great help right now so am headed back to the office. I worked in investments for many years back in the day and am happy to be returning to it. I hope I am as good as I use to be and can wow them good ol boys with my mad skills!!!

I am also writing a book. Stop rolling on the floor and laughing. I know I seem a bit A.D.D. but I am doing it. It’s not something I sit down and work on everyday. I should do that but don’t. Anyway so I have started it. I have to say it has actually been rather therapeutic. I’m digging it.

And that’s what’s up! I didn’t die. I didn’t go straight. I didn’t go underground in fear of the ozone finally coming apart and us all burning to death by the big ball of flames in the sky until they ship us off to Mars! I’m back.

Oh, and a good friend has joined the blogging world. She is actually doing this very cool dating thing so go check her out! http://samepoo.blogspot.com/

The drop off line at school

2008-05-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

You would think most of what I have to say would be self-evident behavior for the drop off line at school, but sadly, it seems not. What the hell are you people thinking?

First, of course,...people, get off your cell phones! How many times do people have to be told this? You’re in line for 2 minutes (unless there is another inconsiderate jerk like you in the line), don’t you think the high profile world issues you face on a daily basis could wait until you drive off? Pull forward retard!

Second, coffee...you prepping your $6.50 cup cream-mocha-latté-whatevertheheckitis is not an acceptable reason for holding the rest of us up. If you just have to mix your lead filled package of Chinese slave labor flavoring before heading off to your stressful day, could you drop your child off, pull to the side, and do it out of the flow of traffic? Pull forward retard!

Third, whatever the hell it is you are digging for in your console. Why do you stare at the line, eyes fixed forward, waiting...waiting...waiting...and then just seconds before it’s time to pull forward, you pull your hands away from the wheel, flip open your console, and start digging for...?...what? What the hell are you digging for? You never find it! The statistical odds of finding anything in your console, while waiting in line to drop off you child, is nill. You have proven time and time again. It’s not there. It’s never there. Pull forward retard!

Next, dressing your kid in the car. If you don’t have your child dressed by the time you arrive at the drop off line, then you are not ready to get in the drop off line. Most of us dress our kids at home…I know, weird concept! If your kid is late, your kid is late...and dressing him or her in front of the school, in line, holding the rest of us up, does not somehow magically stop the clock and make it all OK. I know, I know, “It takes a village,” but the village is stacking up behind you, and we really wish you would pull forward retard!

OK, “Snoop-Dog”...yes, you driving the 1987 Corolla with the snap-on hubcap spinners and the bumper sticker that says “My other car is Tupac”, stop getting out of your car each day, defiantly starring at the line waiting behind you, and doing that gangsta swagger where you hold your balls with one hand and walk as s-l-o-w-a-s-e-f-f-i-n-g-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e around to the other side of your car to let your kid out. There are two teachers and ten monitors there to make sure you kid gets out safely. If you just have to do this routine everyday, then move to the side, otherwise...pull forward retard!

Slack-jawed people...I am pretty sure you can’t read this, but hopefully a nose breather has seen it and passed it on to you...that big empty space in front of you...the big 5 car space between you and the lady up there on her cell phone...that is a space which your car and the 4 people behind you should be filling in. Those people up there with the safety vests, waving their arms, looking at you like you should close your mouth and step on the accelerator are giving you the universal signal to...pull forward retard!

Last, the stay at home moms...do you have to talk to every other stay at home mother that you happen to see on school grounds? What the hell do you have to talk about each and every day? You just talked to her yesterday when you held us all up, what could possibly transpired in the last 24 hours that would require you to once again pull forward 5 feet, step on the brake, try to roll the window down, hit the locks, lock again, roll down the window, talk for-effing-ever, and then roll your window up, pull forward another 5 feet, and repeat the whole process again? Maybe you could start a coffee group, a “La Starbucks’s For Moms,” or some other type of morning meeting that would satisfy your craving for endless conversation, but somewhere other than in front of the other 20 cars trying to drop their kids off. Until you come up with a plan, could you please pull ALL the way forward retard!

The secret of why women go the restroom in groups

2008-05-09T04:53:00.002-05:00

When you have to visit a public restroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't-so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance".

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backwards against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lost your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper-not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet papet trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your guy friend, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

After this brief commercial break....

2008-05-09T04:19:00.004-05:00

Have you ever been in one of those moods where you’re completely, utterly pissed off, but there’s no single reason? Just a million little things that decide to save themselves up for a good month and hit you all at once, but you happen to be in a completely intolerant mood to top it off?

Of course you have. You are human too. (Unless you are some freak trained ape able to use the internet.)

Now don’t get me wrong, sure it could be worse. You could be a starving kid in a third world country, you could have a hump on your back, a doberman could have bit your naughty parts off. Your keyboard could have arbitrarily decided to write over any corrections you make to a pointless rant instead of inserting them, making you have to type every sentence again. It doesn’t matter that you know how to fix it, because your computer has decided that it’s smarter than you today and will not let you. Your email that you just copied and pasted from an unformatted text document decided to triple space everything, put it in wingdings font, and turn it blue for the hell of it.

But hey, unlike this computer that thinks it’s a human in a pretentious abstract art school, we actually are human, and we’ve been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of incessant complaining. In the spirit of this incessant complaining,

I’m picking an arbitrary rant out of the thousand things that have mildly bugged me in the last 24 hours: the local news.

Last night at about 7:00, a man with caps on his teeth and hair that looks like it should be stuck to the top of a Lego man informed me that it may or may not storm, and he’ll give me the answer at 10:00. This pixelated man looks me straight in the eyes from MY OWN TELEVISION that I paid for WITH MY OWN MONEY, this guy who’s salary I pay for by being exposed to Beyonce telling me to switch to cable (which I’m already on), and those horrible Jared commercials, the J.G. Wentworth guy, the seemingly innocent Money Tree caterpillars that are demons from the foulest pits of hell, charging 742% interest in states they can get away with it in (no exaggeration), and those awful credit score commercials. "I’m thinking of a number. Do you know what it is?"

Yes. I do know what it is. It’s 53,289, and it happens to be how many times it feels like you’ve inflicted your androgynous presence on this house.

But I digress. This hair helmet newscaster looks me right in the eyes and lies. He’s not going to tell me whether it’s going to storm at 10:00. Oh, no. That would be far too easy. He’s going to tell me at 10:00 what kind of strawberry harvest farmer Joe had a month ago, and then he’s going to delve into some heavily biased politics, and then he’s going to tell me that he’ll reveal this magical storm secret after the commercial break.

Beyonce tells me to switch to cable again, having not heeded my prior notifications. J.G. Wentworth Guy asks me if my hope is starting to fade. Viagra people tell me that I’m a geriatric man and can’t get a boner. I wonder if someone could tell them I am woman and sick of their commercials. Credit Score Guy asks me about number 53,290.

And then the news comes back on.

Bush, Iraq, pretty white girl hasn’t called parents in over six hours, "Storm may be on the way – we’ll tell you how much rain to expect! After the commercial break."

Curse your scaly hide Beyonce! Screw YOU, Credit Score Guy! (53,291) No, I do NOT need an artificially inflated piece of compressed carbon that is built on the blood of Africans and is controlled by a monopoly. Beyonce? AGAIN? TWICE? IN ONE BREAK? I finally understand that personality is genuinely more attractive than looks, because she has somehow transformed from this gorgeous vixen to a blood sucking tic in a mere week. Is it really necessary to have four topless guys dancing in perfect synchronicity with her while she yet again stares me in the eyes and tries to sell me cable? And why does everyone have to stare me in the eyes when they’re trying to sell something? I pay about a hundred bucks a month for this lousy cable, and this is what they do with the profits?

It would appear that part of Dante’s Inferno was lost with time. He claimed that there are only nine circles of hell, relating to pagans, lust, gluttons, material good obsessions, sloth, heretics, the violent, fraudulent, and betrayers. Maybe it was due to an early translation, but what was missing is the lowest level of hell, reserved as a special place for those that appear twice in one commercial break.

The news comes back on. Clinton, Obama, Giuliani. Which one sucks the most? We’ll tell you tomorrow at ten.

And finally, at 10:55, sweet release: "It looks like it might storm tonight or tomorrow. Somewhere between zero and infinity inches of rain." Apparently they've hired Captain Obvious to do the weather forecasting. "Thanks for watching your ten o’clock news, we’ll see you tomorrow night."

Oh no. No, you will not see me tomorrow night. You will not see me ever again, ten o’clock news. We’re officially broken up. Now pack your crap and get the hell out of here, and if you come within a hundred yards of me I’m calling the police. I’ve stolen everything that’s important to you and will incinerate it all tomorrow at 9:45. I’ll tell you where you can pick up the ashes at ten. Your signed poster of Barbra Walters is yours to keep.

Slacker!

2008-05-09T03:56:00.001-05:00

So, I have been slacking a bit over here. I actually have been writing just haven't posted them. Goind to do so right now though!! I hope everyone is well and really enjoying their spring!!

You Poo Poo Head!!

2008-04-18T10:10:00.001-05:00

While sitting and having a deep conversation with my 8 year old daughter, I was reminded of one of the funniest moments of my life. We all have that moment when you are laughing so hard the tears are flowing and beverage just shot out your nose….and you know there will never be a moment this funny ever again.
My kids are always a source of entertainment for me. And for many of my friends for that matter. There are many stories of the funny little things they have done through the years. But, no moment is as good as the moment my youngest child first attempted finger painting.
Before we can go forward, I need to give you a little bit of background. My ex-husband worked nights. So, he would go home and go to sleep. I was a stay at home mom at the time and my youngest was just a baby. Not quite a year old yet. When she needed a nap I would usually put her in bed with her dad. She seemed to sleep longer when I did this so I could get more done. It worked great!!
One day I put my baby down with her daddy and started with my house work. I got through my work and was waiting for daughter to wake up. I never heard a peep. I decided now was a great time to take a shower. Normally when I would take one with my youngest awake I either had to take her in with me or sit her in her car seat outside the shower. So this was going to be a treat.
Halfway through my shower my ex walks into the bathroom. He tells me that my daughter has been awake but was being quiet just sitting next to him in the bed. I say that was awful nice of her and he agrees. Then he starts talking about needing to empty the trash can in the bathroom becomes there must be a diaper in there. I assure him I never leave those things in the house and laugh him off. He go back to bed.
He comes in a bit later and starts going through the trash can. No diaper. He again says the room smells awful. Mind you, I am in the shower with all my smell good soaps but he thinks the room stinks. I finally finish my shower and come out and take a good look at him. Smeared all over his face is this strange brown substance. I instantly know what it is. I can’t help but laugh. I can’t stop laughing long enough to breathe let alone tell him what is so funny. I can stop….the tears are coming…..I can’t breath…..I even snort…..doubled over the laughing is so deep and hard. He is getting annoyed. I laugh even more. He then gets mad and says “This is crap”. I laugh even more…so funny. I finally manage to point to the mirror and gasp the word “LOOK!” He turns his head and turns green. He pushes me away from the shower and jumps in and starts scrubbing his face. I am still in tears.
I leave him to cleaning his face to check on my little girl. She has made a mess on his pillow case by sticking her fingers in her dirty diaper and then “finger painting” with them. I strip the bed and clean her up. My ex comes upstairs after his shower and is still so mad. We don’t really talk about it again. Then my son gets home from school. He’s sitting at the table having his after school snack and asks his dad why he has mud in his ears. Before, I can answer for him, my ex says, “There more of her poop on me?” My son starts laughing….I tell him what had happened that day. With out missing a beat he says, “Mom, I guess poo poo heads really do exist. “ It was great!!

A Haunting story!

2008-04-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

So I just finished watching another episode of TAPS. If you aren’t familiar with this show it’s about ghost hunting. Well more than that….they also debunk some of the claims as well. Which I like. It’s about things that can be proven or not. Not just a feeling. Anyway….
So tonight they are at this huge hotel. And they actually catch a woman talking in this room…when no one was there. And she could hear them…..but not see them. It was very odd. It also got me to wondering. If there are ghosts….and they are around us….do they know we are here?
Remember the movie with Nicole Kidman (you know that tall beautiful red head who was married to Tom Cruise before he went crazy) called The Others? They hit on the idea that ghosts may be there but not realize they are dead. They are just living on in their time doing the things they always did. They might hear us…or be spooked when we move something of theirs. An interesting notion.
When we were first together we moved into a charming house. The man who rented it to us was in the business of cleaning up crime scenes. So, if someone was killed in a house, they came in after the cops were done and cleaned up the mess so other people wouldn’t have to deal with the mess. So when we saw the house he was showing us we of course asked if someone had been killed in that house. He said no.
We were there for a while before the odd things started happening. We loved it. It had a huge big back yard. Bird houses, walking trails, deer…the whole thing. We loved it. We had our house warming party and then settled in.
Then weird things started happening. We had windows in the living room that would open on their own. We would lock them…they would open again. The front door would open. Locked or not. Same with the door to the basement. One day we left to run errands. When we came home the gates are all open…..as are the doors to the house and the door to the shed outback. Nothing is missing. Nothing even looks touched…it was weird. And the weirdest part….the unfinished side of the basement where our washer and dryer was always felt creepy. I hated being on that side by myself. I still thought no one ever died in this house though and it was just fluke stuff.
One day when we had got a lot of snow (after my girl had shoveled the entire circle drive) a man stopped by to see if we wanted chopped wood or for him to clear our drive way when it snowed…..in the future. LOL I said no and then looked over to the window and noticed it was open….again. So went to lock it and giggled a bit. Then the man freaked me out. He has lived behind this house since he was a little boy. He knows everyone who has ever lived here. Which was just one family. An elderly couple had raised their kids there. They were big on feeding the birds and deer. They also loved their yard work. They would open all the gates and the shed to use the riding mower…and she liked the doors open while he mowed. Yeah…see where I am going with this. LOL He said the little old lady loved the windows open for the fresh air…and always was going behind her husband to reopen windows.
A few years ago they had their troubled grandson staying with them. He had been in some trouble at school so they sent him to his grandparents. After much trouble with them he was sent back home. However, he went back intending to steal from them with his buddies. I am not sure what went wrong or the rest of the story…except that the old couple was found dead in the unfinished part of the basement. It was ruled a homicide and the son went to prison. Everything this old man said related to the things that were happening and we were feeling in the house. It was eerie.
So….are they really there? Do they know we are here and they are dead?? Or do we all want to believe in something beyond death so badly….that we see and hear what we want?

A beautiful day in Kansas

2008-04-06T22:51:00.004-05:00

Today was a beautiful day here. The sun was out. The birds were chirping!! My kids were behaving....ok... we all know that isn't true but you get the point. Beautiful day!! I am so happy spring is finally getting here. I am sick of the snow and ice and bitter cold!! Enough!!!

As we decide to head out and enjoy the weather I decide to grab my camera so I can show you what all we got to see today!

We decided to take a short drive to our local lake/park. It is one of my favorite places to go. It has a little bit of everything so is good for a number of things.

Not too shabby, right? Here, let me pull up a bit...give you a better look...

That's what I'm talking about!! Stunning day. We decide to get out and see what the rest of the park visitors are up to on this lovely day. One man decided he would get one last nap in before his work week began.

He must have been very tired because he didn't hear any of the commotion coming from down the hill. If it weren't for my amazing lady I would have had no idea what these people were doing...but she learned all about it on Beauty and the Geek. Larping!! (A live action role-playing game (LARP) is a form of role-playing game where the participants physically act out some or all of their characters' actions. The first LARPs were run in the late 1970s, inspired by role-playing games and genre fiction. The activity gained international popularity during the 1980s. LARP groups have highly varied approaches to rules, costume, degree of physical acting out, focus of character activity, and genre. LARPs range in size from small private events lasting a few hours to huge public events with thousands of players lasting for several days.) They take this stuff very serious...as you can see!!

Not to worry....not everyone enjoying the weather in the park today was a nut job...there were some people looking for dinner..

I don't think they ever caught anything but it looked like a nice relaxing time..unlike the Larping.

We went to check out some other area's of the park....they have stables....can you believe it...all in one park...larping, napping, fishing, and stables!! I made the coolest new friend!!

I was totally bonding with her....until my Girl found the sign on her pen that said "sick horses only". Just my luck!!

So what did we wind up doing in this full service park on such a wonderful day....

We layed back, watched the clouds roll by...and looked for shapes in them...like larpers...or fish....or sick horses....

R.I.P.

2008-04-02T14:09:00.002-05:00

I have the cutest little dogs. I have wrote of them before. We have been having issues with them wanting to mark everything in sight when we take them on walks. So the vet said that getting the fixed would help with this. So we talked it over.

Our dogs are very much a part of our family. I hate thinking of doing something to them that would cause them pain. But, finally decided it was best. Monday we called and made their appointment for the next day. I am a bit nervous but figure it will be ok.

We get there and the first thing I see is a bunch of cats that this one woman was bringing in to get fixed. My dogs have never seen a cat. They go nuts. I swear we are going to have an issue on our hands but my boys calm back down. We fill out the paper work and turn over our little guys to the woman who is going to take them to the back. Then the weirdest thing happened. I started to cry. Don't laugh!

Our dogs have never spent a night away from us since we got them. So to have them spend the night somewhere strange after surgery had me worried for them. All night long I talk about how strange it is to not have them at home.

We go to pick them up at 7:30 this morning. They bring out my little men and show me the sites where the surgery was done. I was pretty shocked to see that the skin where their manly parts use to be was still there....just empty. Ewww!

I had read somewhere that a company makes implants for dogs after they have those parts removed....maybe we should do this so they don't feel weird. But, my partner refused.

So...a moment of silence....for the little items that brought so much joy to my little guys. R.I.P. puppy balls.

If Men Had Boobs

2008-03-29T12:48:00.002-05:00

Today I had the unpleasant experience of shopping for new bras. You must understand that I do this only under extreme duress. I don’t like shopping for anything (I know, unusual for a woman apparently), but shopping for brassieres is the worst of the worst. When I find one that actually fits, I buy like a zillion so I don’t have to go shopping for them for at least a decade. However, I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, which necessitated said shopping trip.

Suffice it to say that I have big boobs. Real boobs, too. No baggies filled with gelatinous substances inserted here! But now my size E boobs are only size DD boobs, which although smaller, are still plenty big. I am a curvy girl but my boobs are not billowing rolls of lard. They're just plain ol' big. I should also point out that I am fairly short, 5’ 3” to be exact. Evidently, these physical features seem to render fitted lingerie a near impossibility. Unfortunately, women with big hooters don’t have the luxury of walking around braless. If we did, our tits would eventually hang down to our navels, much like those tribal women in the National Geographic magazines. No thanks. Bras are a must.

So, after rifling through rack after rack of bras of every shape, size and color imaginable hanging on those stupid little hangers that get caught on each other, other bras, your sleeve, your purse, or whatever else comes in close contact with them, I came to believe that men and men alone design bras.

Therefore, this rant goes out to those dipshit male bra designers. If you men had boobs, you’d understand how frustrating it is to buy a decent fitting bra, but since men only have balls, allow me to enlighten you.

First of all, whatever inspired you to believe that a woman wants a piece of inflexible wire shoved under her boobs for ‘support’? Is it some kind of latent, sadistic desire to torture women? Let’s put that same wire in your whitey tighteys and see how much you like having a piece of wire grinding on your balls every time you move. How you’ve managed to flood the market with these instruments of torture is beyond my understanding. Excuse me, but my boobs, nor any other woman’s boobs, needs to be supported by a piece of fencing. Although in your primordial brain you may think of boobs as udders, we are not cattle and our boobs do not need to be corralled. Thank you very much, asswipe.

I realized today that male bra designers prefer small boobs. I can prove that because it is nearly impossible for anyone with big boobs to find a bra that is even remotely attractive. For those of us who are well endowed, it seems that bras are for utilitarian purposes only, that is, to hold those boulders up where they belong. No, instead of those cute, colorful bras for the tiny-titty-B-cup-and-under set, we get white, black or tan (and sometimes pink!!) industrial strength bras whose only embellishment might be some itchy lace. Let’s put some of that lace on your y-fronts, shall we, boys? And let’s not forget to mention that these same behemoths have shoulder straps that could double as seatbelts. Jesus effing Christ. Have some imagination, will you?

It has taken decades for women’s clothing to come in more diverse sizes, but finally it is possible for those of us in the low altitude zone to wear jeans that don’t drag along the ground and shirts whose sleeves aren’t rolled 5 times so they don‘t hang off your hands. Halle-fucking-luiah! So, now that we’ve come this far, why the hell haven’t any of you moron male bra designers figured out that short women have short bodies, therefore, it might be a good idea to shorten the length of the shoulder straps? Imagine yourself walking around with your whites drooping down your ass all day. That’s what it’s like. Dickweeds.

I believe that you poop-for-brains male bra designers imagine that every woman has boobs like Barbie’s. It probably relates back to your childhood when you hid in the closet with your sister’s Barbies, perversely stroking those enormous plastic tits. Let’s face it, Barbie has some pretty perky knockers, but it begs the question: Have any of you imbeciles ever seen any real tits? THEY ARE NOT POINTED!!!!! And furthermore, real boobs can’t be squeezed into points! So why do you design bras that could pop balloons, retards? Does anyone have deformed enough boobs to wear one of those monstrosities? Oh that’s right! Barbie does! Good lord.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I feel better now. Thanks for listening! By the way, for the record, after an hour of trying on a multitude of brassieres, I managed to find ONE that fit, although it looks like a seat cover for an F-150 with obligatory seatbelt straps – white, of course. Swell. Just swell.

Our first sleep over!!

2008-03-29T11:58:00.002-05:00

I have three amazing kids. If you have visited here before you know I love to brag about them. They are good kids and a great source of entertainment. This weekend was no different.

My son's best friend was invited to sleep over. This is the first sleep over we have had. I get a bit nervous of how other kids will react to my partner and I. My kids are very adjusted to things and adore my partner. But, other kids may not be as educated about this as my children are.

So....the kid shows up. I speak with his mother for a bit.....does he have allergies...things like that. She leaves and then her son opens his mouth and the funniest stuff I have ever heard started coming out. And it wasn't 12 year old boy funny, but, grab your stomach milk shooting out your nose might wet yourself funny. Not only that....if you have ever wondered what Jack of Will and Grace would have been like....you need to meet this kid. He is so animated and funny..by the end of the night my partner and I are saying "Just Jack" after his funny jokes.

I don't remember kids being this funny when I was that age. In fact I recall a lot of them still being pretty silly. This kid is far from silly.

I let him and his mother know that he is invited anytime. I am not sure how to tell her to make sure she gives me a couple days notice so I can invite my friends over to see this. LOL

The Welcome Wagon!

2008-03-21T13:10:00.002-05:00

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you know my old neighborhood was not very Gay friendly. In fact, they down right hated us! But, things are much different in the new neighborhood.

As we were moving in the lady behind our house (we sit on a corner at an odd angle so our next door neighbor is more behind our house than beside it) was on her porch with her two beautiful dogs and made small talk through my window. She was so nice. We talked about our dogs, my kids, and the neighborhood. I thought it was a nice start to a new neighborhood.

The weather has been getting nicer and we have been out more. We walk the dogs a lot and have had no issues with people (teenage boys with too much free time) shouting rude things or making threats. In fact, neighbors have come out and made small talk as we pass.

Yesterday, was a beautiful day. We headed to the park a block from our house and watched the kids play. They know a lot of the kids as they go to school with them. We met some of the other parents are were once again impressed with just how nice everyone was. One family even sent their number home with my youngest so we could arrange “play dates”. I was so excited. Could we have finally found just the right spot for this couple of Luppies? (Luppie….a Lesbian Yuppie….my very own creation!)

Then the most amazing thing happened. We were sitting down watching TV. Talking about how much fun we had at the park when the doorbell rang. The last time the doorbell rang and it wasn’t a friend coming to visit it was an old neighbor telling me someone had spray painted horrible stuff on my garage. So, who was this new person, in the neighborhood knocking at my door….and were they coming with words of kindness?? It was one of our new neighbors we had yet to meet. And they had a gift. A welcome to the neighborhood gift! Can you believe it? And she talked and told us about her and her husband. She got to know us and we invited her and her hubby for dinner next week. When we went back inside we opened our gift. Many different kinds of chocolate covered strawberry's. I am in heaven!! She owns her own business in chocolate! (The best kind of neighbor to have lol!!) Check out her site at www.chocolatelegacy.com

I love our new home. We have been painting and decorating and it just has all turned out really well. I wasn’t sure I would get to a point where I could start to heal over the things that happened in our old neighborhood. However, I have.
Sometimes bad things happen. But with those moments can come the current we need to get to a much better place in our life. When a storm rolls in we dread having to get in the rain and wind. But that fresh air smell, the feel of warm sunshine on our skin, and chirping birds after it….can be an amazing moment. I weathered the storm.

I didn't forget about you TMZ!!

2008-03-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I got this great idea to do a story on TMZ and their staff. Easier said than done! I have to say, if I ever become famous…I want to hire them in order to keep everything about me SECRET. I have never had such a hard time finding stuff to scoop on. But, I did find a few things…LOL

I have learned that TMZ’s site's publicist, Gillian Sheldon, sends out spam mail to most any reporting medium multiple times a day. Everything from Lindsey’s shopping trip to the Federline-Spears’ kids got a hair cut. One site was so annoyed with it they sent her a list of 10 questions kind of as a joke to see if she would let up.

“1. Who and what the fuck is TMZ and why are you so obsessed with every ass-scratch of the American Idol contestants?

TMZ is an entertainment news website powered by AOL and Telepictures. And we care about Idol ass-scratches because AMERICA cares about them.”
Oh yeah….that was straight from the story…you can read the rest of it here.. http://gawker.com/news/publicists/10-questions-for-tmz-publicist-gillian-sheldon-161998.php
I wonder which of the oddly normal people on the show is this Gillian Sheldon. You would think she would have a major role when you seem to only find her name on their site….but not so much. She is the dumpy blonde who inserts a story here and there and looks like she has no idea what is going on but then just happens to have a story come to mind and would like to share.
One of their photographer’s was kicked out of the big brother house already this season. Parker didn’t last long and didn’t admit he was with TMZ to the houseguest. Almost like he was ashamed of it something. Can’t imagine why..lol

But, there is more!! I guess they do make mistakes from time to time…lol and even break the law…wanna hear?? Of course you do!!
In June this past year they leaked “If I Did It” manuscripts on their website. Turns out the Goldman family (who had hoped to publish the aborted book project under the new title “Confessions of a Double Murderer” are pissed that the public may have already seen the manuscript’s meatiest sections. And, since TMZ violated a court order by posting the contraband material (and may have cost the Goldmans a pretty penny in future profits) they could be facing some hefty fines down the line.
Fortunately, TMZ just happens to have a “rich daddy” named Time Warner.

More with TMZ and OJ-
Four-time felon and O.J. Simpson setter-upper Thomas Riccio supposedly scored a cool $165,000 from TMZ.com in September in exchange for the audio tape of Simpson screaming at sports memorabilia collectors during that infamous spell in Las Vegas.
“While he initially sought $2 million, Riccio settled for the six-figure payout, which is still likely the largest sum paid by a gossip site for a story,” reports The Smoking Gun, which, like TMZ, is owned by Time Warner. “In its original report about the tape, TMZ stated that it had “obtained” the recordings, avoiding any mention that their procurement was secured by a $165,000 check delivered to Riccio’s Los Angeles home.
“Riccio signed a TMZ contract containing a confidentiality clause barring him from disclosing details of the financial transaction, presumably so that future “sources” don’t use the $165,000 payoff as a template in their negotiations with the site, which is co-owned by Time Warner’s AOL and Telepictures units. TMZ is apparently the only Time Warner entity that is allowed to pay for stories or tips (that corporate roster includes CNN, magazines like Time, People, and Sports Illustrated, and small outfits like The Smoking Gun).”
Oh….we have to talk about all that reporting they do on Miss Britney. The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department is arresting photogs for cheap offenses like jaywalking. The story was reported by TMZ. Among those detained: two TMZ photogs. I guess Crime does pay…if you work for TMZ.
That is where I will end this post….but I’m not done with TMZ. I really want to know more about the cast that sits in that little room and talks trash about celebs and laughs at whatever they think is cute they are reporting on. I am determined to find a bad picture….you know…one where you look like hell and are in line at Taco Bell!! Stay tuned!

I have a crush!!

2008-03-13T04:39:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard a little clause in some relationships...that if you were given the chance to be with a certain star you kind of got a free pass from you love to be with that one person? I don't have this clause. LOL To be honest I wouldn't want one either. My Girl would impress some Hollywood Glamor girl and leave me...lol. Anyway...if we did have this clause....

Ellen Page.

I first saw her in Hard Candy. Where she plays a mature 14-year old girl who meets a charming 32-year old photographer on the Internet. Suspecting that he is a pedophile, she goes to his home in an attempt to expose him. There is even a scene where she makes him think she has removed his balls. It was intense. Something about the way she carried herself was just amazing!!

I have yet to see Juno...I know I know I need to get on it. But it looks great!! And the Oscar nod had to be amazing for her.

For now....I will enjoy my little crush...I can't wait to see what other amazing things this young woman will do.

All my exes

2008-03-13T04:28:00.002-05:00

So my Lady and I were sitting and talking about ex loves the other night. (How many of you just groaned and rolled your eyes??!!) I made a huge mistake. BIG! I asked, "So who was the best in bed....it's ok baby...I won't get mad." Do not say this unless you are certain she is going to say your name. That 1.5 seconds she is thinking about it will kill you!! lol

I have dated some interesting one's let me tell you. I started in church camp...chuch camp boys were great. Then a few from the track team....then married the first one that came along in college....divorced him....then it kinda gets confusing. lol I went through this phase where I was very happy to be single and dated. I had many first dates...and few repeats. If I did date someone it was only briefly...about to the point where they started talking marriage and then I was out! One man proclaimed he never masterbated in his life! One had a thing for big butts. I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered with that one. Another loved to hear me sing. One ....well...he liked ...yeah I can't even say it..let's just say it was wierd and he got dismissed quickly. When I me my girl....it was done..she was what my search was all about.

She too, has some interesting ex's. One who's but was so hairy that they called him monkey butt. No joke!

So when I asked the question "Who was the best" I thought there was no way any of those clowns would out rank me. But again, that 1.5 seconds was horrible!!

Then...I think about another woman...and her love life...and ... I don't feel so bad anymore!!

TMZ

2008-03-12T15:51:00.002-05:00

I am not sure how many of you are familar with the show...it's a celebrity gossip show that really just doesn't hold any punches. (here's a link to thier hompage if you aren't familar http://www.tmz.com/)

My Girl loves this show. She has it set up to record everynight on the DVR. I cannot stand the show. I am one of those that thinks getting my news should come from an actual news broadcast and not the latest episode of what Brittney had for dinner at the drive through at taco bell. However I sit in the bed next to my girl as she gets her nightly fix. I then had this light bulb switch on over my head! (No, really there is a short in the light above our bed and if you rock the bed a certain way it will turn it on!) And then I have a great idea! What if someone started reporting on them!! Just making up some interesting gossip about their pictures. And who better......than little ol me!

The only hard part....finding a list of their staff. I am now going to have to watch the broadcast tonight with my pen and paper to take names! I find it interesting that you can't find a listing on their page....makes you think they want privacy or something....ironic. Anyway....I will come back to this when I can find more about their staff and I am sure the embarrassing photo's of them that might be out there.

Stay Tuned!!

L Word Fever

2008-03-11T12:27:00.003-05:00

So this weeks episode was great!! And I wanted more as soon as it ended..(did anyone else hear the "want more" right after the show....that happened right after I said...."I want more" was kind of funny)

So we all knew Jenny2 (her creepy assistant)was up to no good. I am still not sure if she is in love with Jenny or what is up but looks like she about to bring down the production with that little sex tape. Can't wait.

Jenny1 still just gets under my skin. I am not sure why she is still on the show but she just drives me nuts.

Bette and Tina...first off I hate the way they showed Jodi finding out. How sad. I saw that going a different way in my head. There of course was going to be no easy way of telling her. I am happy to hear Bette and Tina are still in love with each other and they are getting back together. I love them together. I would love to see more of little Angie...that is one cute kid.

Shane converts a straight girl....again. LOL I actually really like this girl. However, I am not going to get too attached because we all know Shane isn't ever going to find a woman who can finally go through her the way she goes through them. It should be interesting either way.

Is it just me or has Kit really put on some weight this season? From the previews it looks like they might be getting rid of her. It looks like she is going to lose the planet to them "SheBar Bitches".

Alice .... she really is just too cute. What a touching moment with the pictures...and leaving one of Dana...it was very sweet. I love that Tasha and her are going to move in together...they crack me up. She is perfect for Tina and can help keep her in check.

Max...I am so confused!! First she is a girl who likes girls but wants to become a man. But then she doesn't go all the way with the surgery but still identifies as a man...then falls for a gay man. I am so confused. If someone has some knowledge on this please educate me.

All in all this has been a great season. I am sad as there are only two episodes left. The season always ends way too soon. What ever will I do with my Sunday nights? Boo Hoo...lol

Again, I would love to hear what other's have to say. My friends all think I am a bit silly for getting so worked up over Jenny. She just gets under my skin.

She did what??

2008-03-10T22:26:00.003-05:00

I just got the greatest call from an old friend that had me rolling on the floor so I had to share. I tend to be the subject of such funny stories so the fact that I am not in this one is really a nice change. LOL

I have a great friend who lives way down south and has been fighting off rumors that she is gay for a very long time. Well a few years ago she came out to all her friends. We of course always knew but were proud of her step. She didn't come out to her family though.

Her mother is by far one of the most caring and heartwarming women I have ever known. She has always considered me family and treated me as such. When I came out to her she didn't bat an eye. She said whatever I was, as long as I was happy, she was happy for me. So I am not sure why my friend would be afraid to tell her mother. But, that's her call.

Here is the story:
My friend was out riding horses and having a good time. She had some friends over and they were all showing off. She decides to race one of the guys. I am not sure what spooked her horse but everyone who was watching said she was winning the race one minute and then flying through the air the next. Everyone ran to her side to see if she was ok when they notice the very odd angle her leg is in. She tries to stand up and screams. There is something very wrong with her leg. So off to the ER they go. Here is where I should point out that she is very masculine in how she carries herself and how she dresses. She had the annoying moment when the nurse called her Sir. And then was even more bothered when she found out her mother had been called.

Her mom shows up just as they are drugging her. They then tell them both she is going to have surgery and are going to cut off her jeans. My friend goes crazy. She keeps telling them she can get them off just give her some privacy. They won't let her stand up now that she has all those narcotics in her system and don't want to risk her further harming her leg. So they start cutting. Her mom tells her she will buy her new jeans so just relax. My friend is still going crazy. She pulls the nurse in close and whispers something to her...the nurse asks her to repeat it and when she does the nurse says out loud, "What is packing?"

I of course am laughing my ass off when I get to this point in the story..my friend has to wait for the tears to stop rolling so she can tell me the rest. I guess the meds really take over at this point and she is out....so they cut off her jeans. She goes to surgery and wakes up in recovery. She doesn't remember much right off and seems ok. Then her mom goes back in there to see her...she asks how she feels and all that jazz....then she wants to know why she had a plastic penis in her pants. I would have begged for more drugs at that moment.

So, my dear friend, came out to her mother and defined "Packing" (see definition in previous post)to her. Her mother was actually very cool about the whole thing....and then said this would be worse then her having had on dirty underwear.

A few months later it's my friends birthday. Again her mother is super cool and very understanding.....what did mommy get her for her big day??? A gift certificate to a naughty store, some break away pants, and new...clean underwear. What a mom!!

Lesbo Lingo

2008-03-10T02:56:00.004-05:00

·androgyny-the state of being neither particularly masculine nor feminine, or of being ambiguous. From the Greek meaning literally man-woman

·bisexual-someone who is attracted to both males and females

·breeder-a derogatory term for a heterosexual

·Butch and Femme-are terms often used in the lesbian and gay subcultures to describe, respectively, masculine and feminine traits

·chapstick lesbian-a lesbian who is very into sports, a sports dyke

·closet-where one hides with one's clothes. Gays who are not public about being gay are said to be "in the closet."

·coming out-to exit the closet by becoming openly queer

·Dyke-is a slang term for a lesbian with certain qualities. Originally it was a derogatory label for a masculine or butch woman, and this usage still exists. However, it has also been reappropriated as a positive term implying assertiveness and toughness, or simply as a neutral synonym for lesbian

·family-a code word referring to gays or the gay community, as in, "Ellen Degeneres is Family."

·gaydar-gay radar, the sense by which queers identify other queers

·gold star-lesbian who has never slept with a man

·lipstick lesbian-A lipstick lesbian is a slang term for a stereotypically feminine lesbian who is attracted to other feminine women, rather than a lesbian who is attracted to more masculine women, such as in a "butch and femme"-type relationship. It is also used to describe a gay (or bisexual) woman who exhibits feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.

·Lone star-someone who has only slept with one person in their life

·outed-having it announced publicly that one is queer by someone other than oneself, usually when one would rather stay in the closet.

·packing-among lesbians, to wear a strap-on dildo, usually under one's clothes. Also, to put something (such as a pair of rolled-up sweatsocks or a cut up Kotex) in the underwear or shorts to achieve the illusion that there is something else there.

·pride-1)n the belief that Gay is Good! 2)adj used in titles of events to denote that they are queer celebrations

·soft butch- A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is generally androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

·toaster oven-referring to the coming out episode of the TV show Ellen, wherein Ellen Morgan's new friend who has just revealed herself to be a lesbian makes a crack about if she had converted one more person, she would have gotten a toaster. Ellen, deep in denial of her own sexuality, says that if that's gay humor, she doesn't get it. Later, Ellen goes to the airport to find her new friend and tell her "I got the toaster joke." At the end, lesbian rock star Melissa Etheridge puts in a brief appearance to sign Ellen up as gay and give Ellen's friend her toaster. Thus the shirt, "Ask me how you can win a toaster."

·uhauling-refers to the rapidity in which lesbians want to commit.

·vagitarian-a code word for lesbian (and if you can't figure it out, then I can't help you)

·vanilla-non-leather or non-kinky sex or the people who have that kind of

Yadda Yadda Yadda

2008-03-06T13:02:00.002-06:00

I haven't been able to keep up with this season of the L Word. So, as I lay in bed sick with the flu I decide it is time to get caught up. I go to Showtime on Demand and set in for hours of L Word bliss. Wow...lol

First off, why on earth is Jenny still here? I was so happy when they left her stuck in the middle of the ocean. Why did she have to come back? The chick is just off her rocker. And her assistant...what the fluff? I am not completely caught up yet...but I just finished the episode where she get's her make over. I am so confused. She is obviously not what she says she is. But, I am still not sure what the hook is going to be.

Shane. That woman can find more trouble than even me. LOL She has all this drama because of women so swears them off. Then decides to mix with a couple....can we say dumb??

Bette and Tina are fooling around!! Now, in the normal world I would never condone cheating however they just belong together.

I am off to watch some more. I would love to hear what other people have to say about the many story lines they have going this season.

Ok I am sorry readers but I have to share.....

2008-02-22T08:39:00.002-06:00

A good friend of mine comes over all the time. She said she had something important we needed to talk about. I get a bit worried and ask her what's up. She starts to giggle a little bit and then asks me to lean over so she could whisper in my ear. She tells, "Did you know your little Yorkie like to sniff farts?" First off, I am not sure I would ever have the balls to say such a thing but she did. She says that sometimes when she comes over she is gassy....and will have silent farts. She says that whenever she toots my little dog goes straing for her butt and sniffs. I at first thought this was some silly joke and I wasn't going to fall for it this time. Heck no!So I blow it off (pun intended). Then she comes back into the room I am in and farts I about fall off the chair I was on from laughing so much. And, it's one of those things that you don't tell people cause they never believe you. However all of your friends have to know!! I begin to go down the phone tree.

After I told all of my friends and laughed for well over an hour, I get this funny thought. Would he sniff my toots too? Soo..yeah...I am all alone in the bathroom and one tiny peep came out my butt trumpet. And from all the way down stairs he comes running to where I am at. Craziness.

Maybe I could sale him to circus, come one came all...toot for the talented pooch.

Kids say the darndest things.....

2008-02-20T11:11:00.004-06:00

I love kids. I love as they get older the things they start telling me. I try not to get mad at the bad stuff and not laugh to hard when my son tries to tie his sisiter to a tree using her braids. My son loves the dirty jokes and my Partner doesn't help much as she laughs at all of his jokes....I am getting afaid that he will start saying these things while we are out in the open, or worse yet, start teaching them to other kids and I get angry messages on my voicemail. However I now realize I am not the only one.

My Price Chopper is Better than your Price Chopper

2008-02-12T18:35:00.000-06:00

Here in the great Kansas City area we have grocery stores called Price Chopper's. I have shopped at many of them in the many parts of town I have either lived or worked. They are big and offer a lot of diversity. Deli, bakery, meats, salad bar, the works!!! I thought they were all pretty much the same....until....

Our new house has us in a new part of town. It's a great neighborhood, new school opens next month....it's sweet!! Just across the street is county line where a high level of spanish speaking people live. So the Wal-mart close to home is mostly spanish speaking. All the signs are in spanish and english and there is a bread they sell there named after one of my ex's. Anyway I wasn't impressed with the Wal-mart at all. Then I went to the Price Chopper....

First off when you pull in the parking lot you can't help but notice the giant farmers market in front of the store...with these huge garage doors that open up in the nicer weather right into the produce section!! How cool is that?? The farmers market is at the grocery store!! Sweet! There is a an amazing selection in this store....of everything...they make home made tortilla's. The meat section is the best I have ever seen....there is even a chinese resteraunt and a full service deli, oh and a pharmacy!!!

My new guilty pleasure is going to the Price Chopper...oh and you can have a sample of any item in the produce section...just ask. How cool is that?? I can skip lunch and have a healthy free one if I do my shopping over my lunch break!!

So, if you are going to come visit...(the HoJo down the street looks ok but I have yet to check it out so we will have to see) be sure and visit the Price Chopper!!

The must have this season.......

2008-01-21T23:04:00.000-06:00

Babies!!!

Is it just me or is everyone in Hollywood getting knocked up or giving birth?? In one weekend we had three starlets in the same hospital popping them out. And every where we turn someone new is sporting the "baby bump."

I am not that old. I am still very much in touch with what is going on in the world. And I have two little girls in the house so know what is going on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. But, when I was growing up if a girl was 16 and knocked up she went into hiding. No one knew when she was going to be due or how she was coming along but now we can't help but be poured with pictures of the latest teen that is caring around a little bun in the oven.

Maybe it's because of the writer's strike. All these poor women out of work so they are filling in their free time. If that's the case I hope the strike is over soon as I am sick of my favorite hotties being not so sexy prego women.

Tag...I'm It!!

2008-01-21T21:38:00.000-06:00

I've had the pleasure to have been tagged by the great CJ! (A must read in the great blog land!! )The rules are as follows:

Link to the person that tagged you

Post the rules on your blog

Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself

Tag six random people at the end of your past by linking to their blogs

Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

So, for your viewing (reading) pleasure, in no particular order....

I think feet are disgusting! I can't stand people touching my feet and I won't touch someone else's feet. I don't want them bumping into each other in bed either. I do not want a foot rub and I will not be giving any. Feet are icky!

I have to always have three gallons of ice tea going in the fridge. If I empty one I make a new one. I love ice tea!

I have had the same shower routine since I was eight. Get in, wash hair, rinse lather repeat. Put conditioner in hair. Put on facial scrub. Wash body from toes to neck. Rinse. Shave legs, armpits, and other area's if needed. Rinse. Rinse face scrub off, and rinse conditioner out of hair.

I can't eat M&M's one at a time. I like things being even so always have to have an even number in my mouth. If I get an odd number I have to bite one in half to even it out.

I was born mostly deaf and learned to read lips. I can't talk to someone without staring at their mouth.

I can pee and not poop....but I can't poop..and not pee. Just how it goes. LOL

Let the tagging begin. The people I am going to tag are...(again in no particular order)

AskALesbian because her stories make me giggle. She also has a dog I am pretty sure would make out with me!

Zoe Because of her use of the word twat!

Gale Rainwater because more people should view the talent on this page....it makes the gloomiest of my days brighter!

Curly McDimple because that stuff is funny...I don't care who you are!

Rainbow in the Golden State because she is teaching me the "lesbo lingo"

The Wishful Writer because she is cool like that!!

Lindsey Lohan's Death Sentence

2008-01-21T15:54:00.000-06:00

Lindsay Lohan is about to see dead people. The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving. She also has to spend two days working in the local ER.

I don't know about anyone else but when I do something stupid and get mixed up with the law....I don't think I am going to do some community service and be done with it. My dear friend Trouble has seen her share of DUI's. On her first one she was given 15 days shock time and a year of probation. I don't remember what she got on the second one. Either way....since when does making a couple million dollars a year make you above the law.

Our beloved Brittney has had a couple of DUI's as well. However, as we see every night, she is legally driving. How the hell does that woman have a licence? I thought once you have a couple you lost your privilege for a while. Oh wait...not for our pop princess though??

I think we should have punishments that knock these girl down a peg or two. Like if you get a DUI you should have to be the person who checks for Elephant hernia's. And if you do drugs you should have to clean up manure of all the pens in the zoo! For doing stupid shit.....you should get shit!

I don't have much knowledge as to how our socially elite were treated 20 years ago when they broke the law, but I am guessing they had it a bit harder. Now, you break a crime and spend four hours in jail. Most jails take that long just to book you in. Does the common Joe Blow have the right to bring up Miss Priss' sentence when he is getting 30 days?

So, Miss Lohan is going to be hanging with dead people. I hope she learns her lesson and gets her head on straight. Little girls, mine included, look up to these flakes. I wish they knew they impact they have and do things that they could be proud of. Instead of stupid antics to keep them in the headlines!

(Stepping off my soapbox now.)

I have no problem flying.....my landings just suck!

2008-01-20T03:43:00.000-06:00

I am a klutz. What do they say, the first part of fixing a problem is acknowledging you have one? So, I have one! LOL

I was a cheerleader in high school and college and ran track. You would think doing these things I would have some level of coordination. But, nope!

This year my friends and I were planning to go out and live it up on my birthday. The week before is a good friends birthday so we head out to it and to kick off my birthday week!! When we get there we are pleased to see so many of our friends out. My girl and I hadn't been out with this group of friends in a while so we decided to live it up.

The night started with one of our favorite drink slingers giving us free shots. I had two. Mind you this isn't enough to even give me a buzz. So, I order my usual and chill at a table watching people dance.

My good friend (partner in crime) whom I shall call Beats starts razzing me. "Remember a few days ago when you were doing that adorable dance to Jump on It?"

Mmmhmmmm I sure do. I am in a great mood so I say let's go see if he has it and we will do that dance in the middle of the dance floor. Liven things up a bit.

Mind you, the bar is packed!! You can't go to the back of the dance floor because it is wall to wall people. You could go in front of the dance floor but that would mean having to walk on this low rise stage in front of everyone. I am looking pretty fly so I decide we cut across the stage.

We make our way over there and ask Mr. DJ if he has Jump On It. He doesn't. I was actually bummed about not being able to make a fool out of myself. Until.....

We head back to our table and decide once again to cut across the little stage. Up I go..I trot across and right then a light flashes right in my eye from the dance floor. I am blind. I step out and apparently had ran out of stage. Down I go.

I remember looking up and seeing some dude on the other side of the dance floor looking at me trying to decide if I am drunk or not and if I needed help. I quickly gather my hits and go to stand up. At first I feel nothing. I then look to my girl and am worried. Her eyes are as big as sand dollars and she is pale. I think she is just amazed at how much of a klutz I am. I step down on my right foot. The pain that shot through my leg was intense.

I have a little medical training in my background. I should have had this situation figured out....yeah, not so much. I suddenly become very very dizzy and the volume in the room slowly fades away. I watch as lights began to flicker and fade....my girl is saying something but I can't hear. My first thought..."Dammit...I feel off a stage and someone spiked my drink?!" Ummm yeah, no one spiked the drinks....Wendy....meet Shock! LOL

I lay back down on the stage and wait for the room to stop spinning or me to pass out which ever will happen first. I finally feel a bit better. Someone was a nurse there.....she came to look at it and freaked out and said go to the ER now. That is never a good thing to tell someone who just about fainted!!!

Oh and did I mention my pride? Yeah...I felt a fool already. So when someone says they are going to carry me out I flip a lid! I am going to walk out of there if it kills me. I bite into my lower lip and head for the door. I am not sure who this hurt more. Everyone was watching and turning green. Later I am told my ankle kind of crunched with every step. Once outside of the bar I scream.....and then cry.

We jet off to the ER. Surprisingly for a Saturday night......there weren't many people there. They took one look at it and sent me back.

I had on the cutest little black skirt, black halter. I could care less about who has seen my underwear at this point. However, as I am laying there waiting to hear what they saw in my X-ray , my friend tells me the janitor is across the hall gawking up my skirt. Really?? I am in pain freak!

I broke it and tore tendons and muscle. I had cast and crutches. And.....no birthday party! :(

I can't go anywhere now without being told to be careful. And when someone plans a party they make sure there is nothing for me to step up on and then maybe fall off of. I even get told to be careful when I go down the stairs in my house!!

It's those things that make you go Hmmmmm

2008-01-18T03:36:00.000-06:00

While posting to a blog the other day I came up with some questions I have always wanted to know the answers to. If you know the answers....could you please tell me what they are? Thanks so much!

Toilet Paper~
I don't really want to know who made it or why....I think we all know why. What I am most curious about is who decided the shape of it. I mean who decided that it should be more square than rectangle? And why not have them 8 inches long instead of 5? Or even how wide it is? Who said it should only be about 4 inches wide? Was there a round table meeting about it? Did people sit around holding toilet paper and cut it and folded it and finally decided this is what we will forever use to wipe our butts?

Pop Can Tabs~
I have always wondered about those little suckers. First off, if they didn't want us pulling them off they shouldn't have made it so relaxing to sit there and flip it back and forth and back and forth and back and forth till the darn thing popped off! Oh, and just exactly what does Ronald McDonald do with all those pop tops and how does he get money from them??

Drive through Liquor Stores~
No where in the US can you drive and have an open alcoholic beverage in your car. So what exactly is the point of a drive through liquor store?? I mean they are always pelting us with those don't drink and drive ads yet a drive through liquor store can get a business license?

Sterile Lethal Injection~
I am sure you have thought about this one. Why do they swab alcohol on the arm before they stick the needle in for lethal injection?? I mean he's being put to death but we are worried about infection? Is it concern for our worm population? I don't get that one at all!

Hospital gowns~
This one I am sure was done by some prankster as a joke and no one realized it was a joke so we will forever be walking around hospitals with our asses hanging out. Somewhere that man is laughing his non exposed ass off all the way to the bank!

Psychic~
How come you never hear of a psychic winning the lottery? If you could tell the future would you know the numbers each week and cash in?? I mean right before you created world peace and all.

Oscars~
Where do they store the huge golden Oscar all year until it is awards time again? Is there a guard for the Oscar?

Little Caesars~
Does the mascot for Little Caesars wear underwear under his toga?

Edible Underwear~
Who on god's green earth came up with this??? I mean, is having sex with a woman so much work that you need a snack and fear of eating all her good panties you get her some made out of fruit roll up?? Doesn't sugar down there cause yeast infections?? Are you trying to make sweet bread??

Women's Health~
While we are talking about that area, why is that the woman who does the herpes ad also does the vaginal odor ad. And she does the yeast infection ad, and the tampax ad, and the home pregnancy ad?? Frankly we know way too much about her vagina!!

I will it at that for now. But I am sure I will get off on pondering things like this again.

Ghost Hunting? I think NOT!

2008-01-17T18:40:00.001-06:00

I just finished watching an episode of one of my favorite shows via YouTube!! Ghost Hunters has a crew now called TAPS. (I have no idea what TAPS stands for and will have to google it after I write this.) The two guys who run the operation work for RotoRooter during the day and are ghost hunters at night. Which is pretty cool cause I imagine you see some pretty scary stuff out of certain people's drains!

So this episode was at a house that was built 200ft from where the house the Manson Murders were carried out. Ever since having built the house scary things had happened. So the crew goes in to investigate. There were several things that happened that they were able to document.

Blinds moving.
One set of investigators were in the living room and were asking the ghosts to show them a sign they were there...the blinds started moving. They went to inspect and there was no draft or vent of anything that should have made them move. Creepy!

Big Bang.
There are sitting in a room and again ask the ghosts for a sign. A big bang come from the other room(kitchen). They go in there and first check the ice machine. There was no fresh ice. They never could find anything that made the sound.

Talk to the ghost.
Here is where the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. They have this machine that measures energy. It will flash as energy spikes or something like that. So they ask the ghost questions and tell it how it can make the machine flash. I will be damned if it didn't!! It answered yes or no questions. They then asked the ghost to lower the temperature in the room by 7 degrees. It did!!!

I love ghost stories. I think there is something to it. I am not sure what but love them. The first house Cindy and I lived in together was very strange. Doors would open and close on their own as would windows. Our dog would growl at this one door just before it would open on it's own. We later find out a grandmother and grandfather were killed in that house by their grandson!!! Creepy.

Anyone else have any ghost stories??? Seen anything you can't quite explain?? I would love to hear about them if you have.

Oh and to my friend who thought little creatures were walking on her pillow in my guest room.....I still don't think that house was haunted but keep on believing it was. LOL

Yippey! A snow day.....

2008-01-17T15:54:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid...I loved any reason to have a day off of school. I grew up in the south so we didn't have snow days. Occasionally we would get a bunch of rain and it would wash out the road to the house....we would get a mud day!

Then I grew up. Had some kiddo's of my own. I am not such a fan of the "snow day".

I love to brag on my kids. But, any mother can relate here, a day home from school that keeps the kids cooped up in the house is not as wonderful as it seemed as a child. In fact, I am only writing this blog to escape making cupcakes with my girls, looking at the newest dragon my son made with his K'nex or playing "aggrevation".

The last snow day they had we headed out to play in it. Cindy was out of town so the kids didn't even bother putting their coats on just some sweatshirts. (Cindy makes them bundle up...she is a northerner.) For 30 minutes it was a great time. I took the camera out and snapped pics of them making snow angles (I snuck out later and put horns on them) they had a snow ball fight (my son has the best aim....the girls got pegged a few times) and gathered clean snow to make snow ice cream. For 30 minutes we all had a good time. Then I realized how cold I was. My fingers were red and numb. My nose was running. And my lips were chapped! So I said we should go inside.

I have beautiful hard wood floors. Well, until the kids came in. They tracked snow into every room in the house. Scarves and gloves landed everywhere. And the orders for hot cocoa were pouring in. Then they wanted to invite other friends home because of the snow over to our house!!! Ummm not so much!!

Now as an adult...I really understand why my mother seemed so tired after a day of us kids home from school. I also realized she did a lot during the day while I was gone that when I am home I can keep her from getting done. And....when you grow up....snow days suck!!

You put the Q-Tip where??

2008-01-15T16:30:00.000-06:00

This is by far the best drunk story I have been around to hear. I of course had to change the names to protect the innocent (or not so much).

My best friend got a new black lab puppy. Cutest little dog...dumb and clumsy. Loved it! She was trying to get him house broke and having a hard time with it. I had passed on the things that had helped me in housebreaking our dogs and they didn't seem to help. She calls one night wanting to know why her dog will never poop outside.
Friend: He will not poop outside. I take him out and he pees and that is it. Then 20 minutes later he goes and poops in the garage.

Me: Trying walking him more often till he poops. I have also heard if you take the poo outside and let him smell it out there it will help.

A few nights later....

Friend: Wendy, this dog still will not pop outside....the guy down the street told me to gently put a q-tip up his butt and it will make him poo. I am scared to do it though.

(Do you know how hard it is not to laugh at this point???)

Me: Well...be gentle...and maybe talk soothing to him while you do it. (Soothing?? Maybe I should have suggested a reach around too??!!)

So she probes the poor puppy in the booty with a Q-tip. It worked!! She did it twice more the next two days and now he would poop outside. Who would have thunk it??

That is not where this blog ends I am afraid.

~~~~~~Warning~~~~ Do not drink anything till you have finished reading from this point on!! I will not be responsible for fluid coming out your nose!!

OK....so good friend is drunk one night. Really really drunk!! She calls and sounds like she is in pain!

Friend: Wendy, I have a problem.
Me: Are you ok?
Friend: No..I have a problem.
Me:ha ha ok...what's the problem
Friend: I'm constipated.

Now right now you all know where this is headed.

Me: You should pick up some stool softeners from the store.
Friend: I did! It's not working!!
Me: You could get an enema at the store.
Friend: Ok..I will call you back.

20 minutes later
Friend: Well I am not longer constipated.
Me: Enema worked?
Friend: Nope....remember the trick with the Q-Tip and the dog?

New Puppy:$300
Laxatives:$5
Telling your friend you stuck a Q-Tip up your butt while drunk: Pricele$$

This could be your Ex!!

2008-01-14T21:49:00.000-06:00

Normally, I don't like to blog about people and make them look bad. However, every now and then some people do some stupid stuff and you can't help but want to share it.

My ex is a dope. Seriously. He gave me three amazing children. Nothing much beyond that I am afraid. He cheated while we were married. He was abusive. It goes on and on. To date he has 10 children with 4 women. I believe there are now two on the way as well.

My son is sick of all the babies. He has no space at their house and has pretty much had it. But, that's not my point.

So, this man has penis issues. From the day I met him he told me how he had never masturbated. Not once! Wtf?? I wasn't sure I could believe him. After a few years I learned it was the truth though. Because, not only does not masturbate but he can't stand to even touch his own penis. He sits to pee. In the shower he had to use a poof to clean himself never his hand. And when it came to sex, if he didn't aim right he expected you to aim it for him. Have you ever heard of a man with such penis issues?? However he has no problems sticking it in any woman who let him. How does a man live like that??

Maybe I should send him a book about the joys of self love. If he were able to love him self from time to time maybe he wouldn't be looking for the new baby momma.

He use to have a pretty good job in the hotel business. However, sleeping with the help and getting them pregnant can get you in trouble. Oh, and the same with romping at the McDonald's you work at. LOL Good lord!!

Now he works at Costco....selling coskets!! You gotta love Karma!

Meet the Boys!!!

2008-01-14T10:20:00.000-06:00

Typical to Lesbian behavior we have two dogs. However, I got to pick out the dogs. LOL They are the cutest little fur balls!

Baxter~
He is half Chihuahua and half shitzu. He will be two in May. He was my birthday present two years ago. I wanted a cute little foo-foo dog. I actually wanted a Yorkie but Cindy wasn't ready to throw down that kind of money at the time. So I got Baxter!! We stopped for gas on the way home from picking him up and he played chase with Cindy in the grass while I was inside. They bonded!!

Baxter should be a circus dog. He can stand on his hind legs forever. He loves to stand up but sit on his bottom...kind of like a gopher. It's really too cute. He does this thing when he wants to get attention...he will put his head under your hand and make you pet him! Needy little sucker.

Teddy~
After Baxter I was told we weren't getting another dog. Well....lol....the kids grandma decided to breed her little Yorkie. You know where this is going. He was just as cute as can be. Cindy who didn't want to get him soon became his best friend. They sleep all curled up together. It's nauseating. He is a little over four pounds.

Now you would think my butch girlfriend would be the last person wanting to put cute little shirts, sweaters, and jackets on this little dog. Well, you would be thinking wrong!! She loves dressing him! She even saw this leopard printed couch dog bed and wanted to get it for him. Craziness!!!

Teddy also has a secret. Ummm..how do I word this...well I will just tell you. For such a little dog...he has a huge...member. And he loves to show it to company. That little boy will air hump and expose new people to all of his manliness. I have no idea what to do about it. My kids have now witnessed this and my girls think it is the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. My son just laughs. I am not exaggerating either. It's HUGE! I think he has a hollow leg.

So that's the basics about our four legged kids. I am sure you will get to read many more stories about them. Maybe even video if I can ever figure out how to do that.

"Damn, your butt looks great in them jeans!"

2008-01-13T17:59:00.000-06:00

Says the Gay Boy checking out my girlfriends butt at the grocery store...LOL

Let's go back a ways....When Cindy and I met I was working as a bartender at a local gay bar. (This isn't where we met or how....just where I was working at the time.) She would come in after work and hang out with me while I worked. One night while she is there one of my regular guys tells me to send a drink to the hot guy at the end of the bar. I look down the bar and giggle and say ok. I send down her drink. A little later he approaches the hot guy at the end of the bar...only it is no guy...it's my Girl. They laugh it off. I have been laughing at it for the last 2 and a half years.

So now to the present. Cindy decides she needs some new jeans. So with her Christmas Kohl's gift card she gets some. She puts them on today before we head out for errands. I love her butt in these jeans!!

We are at Price Chopper getting our food and these two gay boys walk up to get something from the same spot she is at. They both check out her butt as they walk up and comment on it to each other. Then, they take a closer look and realize it's my Girl. LOL I couldn't wait to walk away and tell her what had happened. She was not amused! LOL I then told her I was going to have to write about it in my blog because that is just too great a story.

Being the modest woman she is, she says, "Would you like me to pose so you can take pics of butt to post with it...it will help with the story." LOL That's my girl!!

Ummm...you are NOT a gangsta!

2008-01-13T15:46:00.000-06:00

As you will learn I love to blog about my kids. Any parent knows they are a wealth of very funny stories.

Before moving to our current very yuppy suburban neighborhood we lived in the ghetto! We didn't know it was the ghetto when we moved in. It was a very cute and cozy little neighborhood, however after being there just 6 months we had a hit and run, 4 drive by shootings, and several home invasions. Not cool!! So we moved to the burbs. (Our friends have nicknamed us the Luppy's aka Lesbian Yuppy's)

We have noticed a lasting effect from living in the ghetto though. My children now think they are gangsta.

My son.
He loves to tap his chest and then throw you a peace sign which he follows up with saying, "Peace out!" He also loves his hoodies. He says they make him look "thug". WTH?? Why does my 11 year old son want to look thug for. Does he know he looks as "whitebread" as can be?? LOL

My middle child.
My girls are as cute as can be. I am a proud mother. And my older daughter is all girl!! She loves all things girly. So when she tells me she wants breads I am at a loss. I asked her why and she said because they are "tight". Tight??? The only meaning I know for that word is not something I want my 10 year old thinking about. She also has no rhythm. So when she tries to be "gangsta" she looks so funny!!

My baby.
She is the one that I said would either be President or the World's Best Stripper some day. Now she has rhythm. She also can throw down slang like she has spoke it her entire life. She has this amazing ability to blend into any group she may be hanging out with. However, lol, she ain't ghetto! LOL But she tries! Again, I am not sure why they think it is cool. She has now perfected the "butterfly" dance move.

After watching them be silly little gangsters.....I decided to throw down too!!

Peace Out!!!

How many lesbians does it take to fix a car?

2008-01-12T04:21:00.000-06:00

I am really looking forward to my lazy weekend. While enjoying it, I am sure I will think of all the events of last weekend.

We currently have a piece of crap for a car. It's a mess really. It has seen many better days and we are shopping for something new. (Don't tell her as it might hurt her feelings and she may never start again!) Anyway...it seems like there is always something going wrong with it. After we got a butt load of snow I couldn't get it to start. It acted like it had a dead battery so I asked a good friend if she could come over and give me a jump. She does and we hook up the cables and vroom!!! She starts. However when I take my foot off of the gas she dies. Weird. And when my friend takes off the jumper cables it won't start at all. She thinks I have a dead battery.

A few days later my friend picks me up so we can get the battery out of the car and take it to the shop. Now you would think that would be pretty easy right? Not so much. The connections had corroded to the posts on the battery. It takes us forever to get the stupid things off. We (my friend and me watching..lol) finally get them off and take it to the shop. They test and sure enough the battery is dead. So I am going to have to get a new one. Mind you...Cindy has been out of town visiting her family and I am not sure what our finances are like so decide to wait till she gets back.

She gets back into town and this past weekend we decide to get the new battery and fix the car. We go to Wal-Mart and get a battery. We come back and sit it in the car and hook up the cables and nothing. Car does nothing at all. We get some sparks at the posts but that is it. So we decide to look at it on Saturday as it had gotten dark.

Saturday a male friend of ours stops by to take a look at it and he can't figure it out....he says maybe the cables are bad. Ugghhh. So friend comes back over and she messes with it some more. We even decide to use tinfoil to make a better connection. NEVER DO THIS!!! LOL Next thing I know there are flames shooting out from under the battery and I flip out. I take off running in the house and get the fire extinguisher. I nearly gave our little dogs heart attacks. I run back out and the fire is out. I look very confused I am sure...I guess it looked worse than it was as my friend was able to just blow it out.

Now those cables that might or might now have been bad are burned. So off to the parts store to get new cables. LOL not easy let me tell you. Hours later we finally have the damn thing rewired and we go to put in the battery. Just then...our friend realizes something. We had the battery in wrong!!! All that just because the battery was in wrong..the mounts were in the wrong places and we never checked that. So back to the store we go to get a different battery.

We get back with the new battery and put it in. We hook up the cables and the damn car starts on it's own. No key in the ignition or nothing just starts. And when I put the key in and try to turn it off it won't turn off!!! I do all I know to do and call the ex-father-in-law. He is a mechanic. He tells me to pull the center cord out of the distributor cap..but...whatever you do...don't touch the inside of it or you will get shocked with 30,00 joules of electricity. Well, that freaks me out...so I tell my friend to pull it out and I take many steps away. (I told her afterwards about the 30,000 joules..lol) The car turns off. We hook it back up and I will be damned if it didn't work right.

I have to say mad props to my friend...she did rewire the car and did it well. I wish I would have realized the battery was in backwards so she wouldn't have had to. LOL This is why I am not a mechanic my friends!! LOL

American Gladiators!!!

2008-01-11T23:54:00.000-06:00

OK....so my Girl usually decides what we watch on TV. She is much more into certain shows than I am. In fact, I usually wind up working on a blog or pictures while sitting next to her as she watches something. A few weeks ago she told me about how excited she was that this show was coming back. I never really got into it when it use to be on and wasn't really looking forward to it now.

So last week it comes on and she is all into it. I was working on something online. Then they introduced the female gladiators....
This is Crush!! I would wrestle with her!!

Then there is Fury! I have to say that I know these women are suppose to be the bad guys....but I would have no problems losing to them!

And then there is Siren....yeah, this look isn't really scary to me. Wowzers ladies!!

So....if you read a blog that says I am going to be on American Gladiators..beware and tune in. As I might be the first woman thrown off the show for purpose losing in order to do some mad flirting with the hired help!!

I am n sure which one was Cindy's favorite...if it wasn't one of them mentioned I will have to be sure to add her to my list in order to stay out of "the dog house".

If you are in a relationship..do you have one of those list where if for some freak reason you were able to be with someone famous it is ok because thy are "the list"? Who is on your list? I don't have a list really.....maybe Shane from L word..Ohhhh Katherine!! LOL Cindy has said a few times she would do Ellen. I wonder what the weirdest person would be.

Hmmmm

From December 28, 2007

2008-01-11T17:14:00.000-06:00

Congrats!! You are a Dork!!

Have you ever looked at someone and thought....."Wow, you are really stupid."? I am having one of those moments this morning. It amzes me sometimes how dumb people can be. And when you try to pass on your dumbness as "advice" you are most likely going to look like an idiot. Which is what happened this morning. (Don't worry...this person can't read my blogs...sucks to be them...cause my blogs are the shit!! LOL) Anyway..stupid people suck!!

I also think more people who don't watch soap operas but love to be in the middle of some drama...should start watching a soap opera to get their fix. I won't go into more than that as this is just a rant but I am amazed at the number of people who love to be in the middle of some huge saga. Get a life!

So what have we learned? If you are stupid....keep your mouth shut and don't pass on your stupidity to others! And watch more soaps! LOL

Maybe that will be my new year's resolutions. To educate stupid people and promote soap watching. While I am at it I will teach people proper edicate in shopping cart drivin. School other's on how to put clothes back on a hanger at the store so it doesn't fall off when I walk past it. I will teach my neighbor that his car goes in his double drive way not in front of my house. I seek to tell the lady down the street to bring her cat in at night so my dogs stop barking at it at 3 am in the morning. One should teach BMW, Lexus, and Hummer drivers where their turn signals are as they to hide them on them fancy cars. And to the moron who takes their 8 year old daughter to see a slasher film and then sit next to me.....you I shall sick Karma on!!!

Oh and world peace! LOL

Game Night!!

2008-01-11T15:26:00.000-06:00

My friends and I like to have a game night about once a week. Sometimes it's not that often but that is what we shoot for. We play different games. It kind of depends on the mood. I have to point out that I rarely come out the winner on these nights. I am not sure why. I am certain it has nothing to do with skill!! LOL

I am amazed at the things my friends learn about me on these game nights. I know them so well I have no problems being very open with them. (Right about now you are shaking your head as you know a funny moment is a commin.) I have made up my own version of cuss words. I think it is far too easy to use the everyday four letter words the rest of the world uses...so I have come up with my own...like...

"Moses in a basket in the Nile in Egypt"

"God damn Mary of Magdalin foot washer freak job"

"Screw you Judas and your noose!"

Yeah, there is no ryme or reason to them. I say whatever pops into my head. And the weirder the better. Now I even have them saying my silly little swears. But that's not it. LOL This past week I got really into talking about God.

First off I believe in God. I am not insulting him. (Please no lightening!!) Sooo....I wondered...why did God make farts stinky? I mean he's God. He could have made them smell like cotton candy. But nope. They stink. And Buggers!! Why are they green and slimy and if He didn't want us picking our nose then why are our fingers small enough to get in there??? See where I am going?? Why did he make butt holes look so weird...all puckered?? So yeah, I had to ask all of this....outloud..in front of them. LOL

Game night is a trip at my house! Stay tuned for further stupid stories about things that come out of my mouth when my home girls are around!!

Happy Friday!!!

2008-01-11T13:47:00.000-06:00

I am very excited it's Friday. Not because I had a long work week or anything. Nope! I am excited because my kiddo's come home today. I have a week on week off set-up with my ex-husband. Anyway they are coming home! I get to hear the latest dirty jokes my son has learned at school. I will be told why my youngest daughter hates her step-mom and step-sister. (The reasons are always different and will take a good hour to get through.) And then I will hear my older daughter tell me the million and one things that are just fabulous in her life. LOL She is the goody two shoes! I can't wait.

My partner is also excited for them to come home. Her name is Cindy. (Take a bow baby!) Anyway her reason's are different than mine. My son and she love to play pool. So she will now have her little game buddy back. I think she gets her joke material from him. Yeah! LOL

I have found that being a parent is an ever changing project. My son knows some of the dirtiest jokes I have ever heard. I am shocked when he shares them and Cindy tells me to stop freaking out. "We want him to come to us about this stuff, don't we?" Oh lordy lordy...how will I ever hold up. I look at him and see that sweet chubby baby.....not a growing boy. I am in for it I can tell.

My youngest daughter is a hoot!! First off, she knows dance moves that I have only seen in strip bars. I have no idea where she is learning them but it scares me a bit. My friends love to laugh as she shows her newest moves. I have decided she will either be President of the United States one day or the worlds most celebrated Stripper. I could ship her off to Catholic school however I am sure they would send her back. LOL She is a sweetheart but doesn't have that filter in her head that tells her not to say certain things. It is what it is. God love her.

My middle child. She loves to bake, she wants to learn to sew, she stares at her teacher because she is "hot". Yeah.....not sure if she likes boys or girls yet but we try not to bat an eyelash when she points out women she thinks are hot. As a parent I am not sure I am ready for a child of mine to have to face what I do for who I love. It has nothing to do with her being straight or gay...it has to do with the people who are filled with hate and are narrow minded.

So the kiddo's come home!! I am sure I will have new dirty jokes to share with you, maybe a new dance move to hurt myself trying, and a run down of who is hot at their school!

Happy Friday!

Ode to my left Boob!

2008-01-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

So what better way to start out a blog than telling one of your most embarrassing moments? I mean really....don't people want to know just how far you will go in order for you to gain readers?? Well people, I'm willing to go all the way!

I was a freshman in track. I had also run in 8th grade so knew all of the warm up drills. I was asked to show the new girls that were trying out how to run drills. No problem. I teach them some moves and we get started. At one point we have a drill where you have to run the length of the football field while doing something that looks like the grapevine. I can't really explain it, rather, have to show them.

Here is where I should point out that I have had big boobs since I was 12. I run with three sports bras on in order to keep my girls under control. Anyway...so I start down the field showing the girls what to do. When I look over at the they are laughing and pointing. I think look at the guys standing on the sideline who are now staring at me with their mouths hanging open. What is going on? I look behind me...nothing.I am the only one on the field. Then I am aware of just what everyone is so moved by. One of my boobs had somehow worked it's way out of my triple sports bra bondage chamber and was sticking out as if trying to make a break for it. OMG!! Not only is my boob out......but I am in the middle of a football field...do you know what there is to hide behind in the middle of a football field??? Nothing!!

So I very calmly put my boob back in the bras and finish drills. There were some jokes for sometime but it eventually blew over. What was amazing, was the next year at open try outs...the tripled amount of boys who were trying out. Yesh!!

Lesson: If you have big boobies....wear four sports bras!

My First time!!

2008-01-10T21:30:00.001-06:00

How exciting!! I just want to jump right into the main action...no warm up...no foreplay. I feel like getting naked...letting my juices flow....oh the first time....Yay!!

I am starting my new blog!! I have a blog on myspace however wanted to focus more on writing and less on the pictures I have there or the kick ass tunes on my playlist. I want my voice heard. (Those of you who know me and my big mouth are laughing but you know how I am.)

I have an interesting life. I am a divorced mother of three amazing kids who almost three years ago fell head over heels in love with a .......woman!! Who'd of thunk it?!

I have great friends who bring out an amazing side of me. The side in which I become a complete dork. I say things that I should never say. I do things that ....well...you get the point. And best of all.....I love to tell other's of those silly little things I do. So ....grab some coffee...or whatever you drink.....oh and get some paper towels as I will be damned if you send me hate mail because you have coffee drops on your screen from you spitting it out your nose but never cleaning it off. So there!

Enjoy!